Forbidden Pastimes of Hogwarts

The Forbidden Pastimes for Fred and George Weasley
By Molly Weasley

1-"To concur the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

2- I am not the king of potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

3- I may not chase Seamus Finnegan around school in search of his 'Pot o' Gold'.

4- Nor am I allowed to tell people he's a leprechaun on steroids.

5- I will not shout "I have the Power" before casting a spell.

6- I am not allowed to purposefully charm Filchs' underwear into wedgies.

7- Nor am I allowed to do it 'by accident'.

8- I am not allowed to yodel during important parts of Dumbledore's speech.

9- The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. I may not tell First Years that there is a party down there.

10- Especially when there isn't.

11- I may not refer to Sirius Black as 'Seriously Black'.

12- Just because I use air quotes does not mean the rules have changed.

13- I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wondering the hallways.

14- Blaise Zabini is not my 'brotha from anotha motha'. I am not allowed to call him that.

15- Nor am I allowed to call Draco Malfoy my 'sista from anotha mista'.

16- Even if I do suspect he's a girl.

17- "Like a cow in the springtime" is not an acceptable phrase to use in my essay. I may not do so.

18- I am not allowed to smack others with my wand. For whatever reason – if I have a problem with somebody, I must go to a teacher.

19- Professor McGonagall is not "my bitch". And I may not refer to her as one.

20- I may not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

21- I may not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

22- I am not allowed to refer to my brother as my 'clone'.

23- He is not my 'bookend' either.

24- Nor is Ron, Percy's 'mini-me'.

25- I am not the Easter Bunny.

26- I am not allowed to tell people I am the Easter Bunny.

27- Just because I dress up in a rabbit costume, it does not mean I'm the Easter Bunny; it means I'm weird.

28- I may not 'frolic' to class.

29- I may not sell Hermione's homework for profit.

30- I may not attempt to breed House Elves.

31- Nor may I attempt to buy their children.

32- I may not refer to Slytherins as "Children from the under arms of Hell".

33- I am not allowed to call Harry "Scarface".

34- Nor am I allowed to call him "Pothead".

35- If a class mate falls asleep, I may not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

36- Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

37- I am not blind; I may not tell people I am.

38- Nor is Percy dead. I may not say this, no matter how much I wish he was or how much of a git he can be. It is a bad thing to wish. I must remeber this.

39- The portrait of the Fat Lady is not called 'Piggy'. I may not call her that. Nor may I encourage her to diet.

40- I may not attempt to poke Nearly Headless Nick. No matter how fun it is.

41- I may not initiate an Inter-House Bunking Day.

42- I may not go to class in the Girl's uniform.

43- No matter how 'breezy' I think the skirt is.

44- Hagrid is not going to eat me.

45- I am not "emo". I may not act like I am.

46- I am not allowed to refer to Dumbledore as "pops".

47- I am not a mutated bullfrog. I must remember this.

48- There is no such thing as the 'Ugly Disease'. I may not tell people that they have it.

49- I am not allowed to randomly point at people and shriek.

50- Nor am I allowed to claim that 'their face burns my eyes'.

51- Mike Rotch has heard every possible joke about his name; I may not repeat them.

52- Remus Lupin dose not want a flea collar

53- Building a giant model of the moon made entirely of cheese is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.

54- I may not refer to Peeves as "Peewee". Nor am I allowed to call him Casper; his name is Peeves.

55-It is generally accepted that cat and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how "Wicked" the results may be.

56- I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

57- I am not allowed to ask Hermione why she has a squirrel on her head. That is her hair; I must leave it alone.

58- I will not impersonate a Swedish chef during potions class.

59- I am not allowed to lick people just for the fun of it. Nor am I allowed to bite them. It is unsanitary.

60- I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascots.

61- My father is not Michael Jackson. Neither is my mother.

62- I may not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

63- I will not wear my 'DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT' t-shirt to school

64- I am not allowed to declare a official 'Hug A Slytherin Day'

65- I am not allowed to make Light Saber sounds with my wand.

66- I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

67- I am not Merlin. Just because I have a shiny hat does not make me Merlin. No one cares about the fact that I think I'm Merlin.

68- Albus Dumbledores' proper title is "Headmaster" not "My Liege"

69- I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I predict her death.

70- I must get over my obsession of spoons.

71- Millicent Bulstrode is not a man; I may not tell her she looks like one.

72- I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.

73- I may not steal Professor Trelawneys' glasses just because I like them or because they are "shiny".

74- I may, however, tell her that they please me.

75- Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. I am not allowed to "stake" him.

76- I am not allowed to form Satanic cults simply because I'm bored.

77- I may not step on the head's of First Years due to the fact that they're shorter than I am.

78- I am not allowed to "inform" people that they have cancer and will promptly die in four days.

79- I may not answer "Yo Momma" when Professor McGonagall asks me if I'm paying attention in class.

80- I may not attempt to bribe Professor Sprout. Especially with leftover vegetables from last night's dinner.

81- I may not publicly accuse Madame Pomfrey of 'sampling' the medication. Nor may I offer to join her.

82- I will not call the Ghostbusters. It is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghost and poltergeists.

83- Voldemort is not my uncle. Nor has he ever been.

84- Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The Library is Closed for a Indefinite Time Period" amusing in any way.

85- I am not allowed to 'stalk' the First Years. Nor am I allowed to 'hunt' them.

86- A time turner is not a flues capacitate, and I should not install it in any muggle cars.

87- I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my teachers.

88- I may not charm Hermiones' time turner to rotate every half hour.

89- Hugging the wrong end of a Blast Ended Skrewt is a bad idea. I may not do so.

90- Ron is not Hermione's pimp. I may not tell everyone that he is. Nor am I her pimp.

91- If a thought of a spell makes me giggle for mare than fifteen seconds. I am not allowed to use it.

92- I may not attempt to 'convert' the Hufflepuffs.

93- I am not allowed to tell everyone that Malfoy blows Snape on a nightly basis.

94- It is not my 'duty' to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyles' bed. Especially if it turns out to be regular cut grass.

95- I may not claim my X-files tapes as "Auror Training Videos"

96- I may not attempt to cut Snapes' hair. Nor am I allowed to sell it.

97- My name is not "Dark Lord Happy Pants" and I may not sign my paper as such.

98- Eating a bar of chocolate that weighs more than I do is a bad idea. I may not do so.

99- I may not burst into tears every time someone smiles at me.

100- I am not allowed to randomly develop an accent and switch them at will.

101- The Centaurs are free-thinking creatures; I may not attempt to "tame" them.

102- Nor am I allowed to attempt to breed them.

103- I am not allowed to draw naughty stick figures on the wall as the teacher turns around. Nor am I allowed to openly mock her reaction.

104- Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class dose not count as extra credit.

105- I may not dye my skin blue.

106- Professor Dumbledore is not a woman in disguise; I may not tell everyone that
he is.

107- I may not steal the bludgers and release them during Potions class.

108- I am not allowed to sign Lucius Malfoy up to be a 'playmate'. Nor am I allowed to laugh when he gets accepted.

109- I may not tell Ron that Hermione is interested in girls just to see what he does.

110- I am not allowed to inform Remus that his last name rhymes with "poopin'".

111- I may not claim to be the next Dark Lord.

112- Nor may I claim to be "Hogwarts' Queen".

113- I am not allowed to steal the toilet seats in every bathroom. Nor am I allowed to sell them.

114- When being interrogated by a staff member, I may not wave my hand and say "These are not the droids you are looking for"

115- I am not offer to cook people's owls.

116- Trevor is not food.

117- I am not allowed to strip dance for extra credit.

118- I may not steal everyone's left shoe. Nor may I steal their right ones.

119- I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.  

120- I may not steal Collin's camera and use it to take nude pictures of myself.

121- I am not allowed to try and kiss the Giant Squid.

122- I am not allowed to tell Cho that she's putting on weight nicely just to see if she'll cry.

123- I may not attempt to eat Filchs' cat, Mrs. Norris. Nor may I attempt to eat his pants.

124- I should not tell the first year to build a tree house in the Womping Willow.

125- I may not point and laugh at the Ravenclaws.

126- I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.

127- I am not allowed to jump students in dark hallways. Nor am I allowed to jump professors there either. In fact, I'm not allowed to jump anyone, anywhere. Dark hallway, or not.

128- No, that was not a challenge

129- I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

130- Rita Skeeter in her animagus form will not make a good pet. I may not keep her.

131- I may not throw a wild, raucous party the day before an exam.

132- In fact, I'm not allowed to throw a party at all.

133- I may not tell Luna that she belongs in a phsyc ward. No matter how crazy I think she is.

134- I may not steal cutlery from the kitchens. Nor may I attempt to steal the House Elves.

135- I may not teach the House Elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

136- Fawkes is not food. I may not eat him.

137- I am not allowed to recite Professor McGonagall's dating history to the class.

138- Especially when I know the list is fabricated and includes several stray cats.

139- "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

140- Stripping during breakfast is not a great way to show Gryffindor bravery; I may not do it. Nor may I do it during dinner or lunch.

141- I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and tell him they are real.

142- I am not allowed to tell people that I'm "The Fredinator" and that my brother is "The
Georgetor".

143- My life motto may not be "what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".

144- I am not allowed to take any Slytherin up on the challenge: "You wouldn't dare hex me, Weasley." Nor am I allowed to hex them unchallenged.

145- I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hanna Albot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles

146- I may not snorkel in the prefect's bathroom.

147- I may not wonder aloud why Myrtle looks so pale today when I know she's in the room. Nor may I mock the way she died.

148- I am not allowed to give Pixies Pixie Stix.

149- I am not allowed to attempt to suck other people's thumbs.

150- I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to Paintball.

151- I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons. Nor may I insist that their house colors indicate that they are 'covered in bees'

152- No matter how good my Australian accent is, I will not impersonate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures.

153- "I have heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name." is not a not a challenge.

154- I will not go to class skyclad.

155- The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

156- I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"

157- I must stop referring to showering as giving Moaning Myrtle an 'eyeful'

158- Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

159- House Elves are not acceptable replacement for bullgers.

160- I will not starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

161- I do not weigh the same as a duck.

162- I will not lick Trevor.

163- There is no such thing as a Invisibility Thong.

164- 42 is not the answer to every OWLs question.

165- I will not teach the first years to sing "The Wizards Staff Has a Knob On the End".